Me, My Music & I - Sometimes things ARE as they seem Part 1

"If you want to know who I really am, look at my music" ~B.W.

 

Being a Christian musician, I find that I sometimes question my musical tastes and wonder if others question it as well. Upon first glance, some of the groups that I enjoy would give cause for curious pondering of my Christian walk, at least by those who care to give it a closer inspection. Everybody wants to make sure people are who they are- and I understand that much. I just wonder how much they understand me when it comes to my musical interactions.  

   Recently some of my musical activity brought this to mind...I like to keep myself in check- you know, make sure I stay true to what I say and how I live, determine my motives and intentions to ensure they are for the benefit of others and not just myself. And most of all, I self-evaluate to be sure that I am living a life that is pleasing to God. All the above can be tricky to find balance in to say the least. In light of this, I began to pray about it and then I felt compelled to write down my earliest memory of music, and how my musical journey unfolded, so I did. 

 My musical background is diverse to say the least. The earliest memory I have of music is of Brahms’s Lullaby, played by the tinkling chimes inside a little pink dog that moved it's head from side to side as the song played. Next comes "All I need is the air that I breathe" from the '70's, Donna Summers "The Last Dance", We Will Rock You/We are the Champions by Queen, Bennie & the Jets and Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John, Moon River by Andy Williams, anything by the Beatles, then Willie Nelson, a song called "If I was a Teddy Bear", and then enter the Ramones- which I will never forget. Thus began my obsession with unorthodox music and band guys with long hair. How I loved the black hair, leather jackets & non-conformist attitude and style. All of this by the age of 6 years old- Classical, Easy Listening, Disco, Rock, Country, and Punk. Of course there were the bands of the '80's- Michael Jackson, Madonna, Ratt, Prince, Twisted Sister; these took over around the time I was 8-10 years of age. I still remember the first time I saw Motley Crue on MTV- I was nine.

I began playing the violin at age 10 (technically 9 and 1/2). I recall the first time I ever saw it and held it in my hand. It was as if it was always meant for me to play it. It felt like an extension of me- it was so natural. I remember the name of the girl that showed it to me, her name was Linda. I can still hear her call to her teacher across the room in amazement, "Look at this! She is holding it perfectly and she's never even seen one before!" That night I begged my parents to let me take up the violin. We did not have much money in those days, so renting the instrument would be taking on a great expense for my parents, but they did it. I am ever so grateful. I recall their instruction, "You better make sure once you start this that you finish it!" it still brings a smile to my face because all I could think of at the time was how much I longed to have it, to play it, to learn how to make music with it. I had loved music my entire life spanning all of ten years.

After that and since then, my musical taste has always been one of extremes, seasoned with classical music. Either really happy, or really sad- really relaxing or really hard, whatever it was- it had to be intense, dramatic, emotionally charged- it had to move you. There was no room for in-betweens or mediocre, I had no interest in mundane, average music. That has always kind of been the thing with me- it set the tone for my lifestyle. Well, actually I am not sure if it was my personality that influenced my musical preferences, or my musical preferences that influenced my personality- but whichever it was I know that my life & musical choices have run parallel to one another. It even affected the pieces I chose to perform for competitions at such a young age.

Beastie Boys, Cinderella, and Poison came into play around the age of 12. Then around age 13, I heard the Sex Pistols and Metallica for the first time- which led to more Ska, Punk and more Metal. That in turn led to MTV’s Head bangers Ball- loved that show late night weekends on MTV. Then I heard of the ZOO- a DFW radio station that played nothing but metal that was not in the mainstream. Not mediocre, not generic, but original- Listening to the bands on there was much like discovering islands that no one else had ever seen or heard of before, at least not the mass population. This resulted in me being the only violinist in high school that wore concert shirts and leather jackets to school, which made for interesting conversation. ;)

By 16 I had gone to numerous concerts, all sorts of Glam Rock bands, Metallica, Pantera, and had already been in a couple of bands of my own. I was also still performing classical music every chance I got, you name it: malls, Downtown Dallas (everywhere), retirement homes during holidays. I had been awarded 2^nd in the state of Texas as a violinist, and was gearing up for two scholarship offers I had received- one from the Berkley School of Music in California, and the other from Sam Houston in Texas. There was a major issue however, that hindered me greatly in accepting either of these offers- I played by ear. While I was an excellent violinist, I could not read notes worth a flip- I had managed to maintain first chair, first violin my entire playing career in school, won numerous competitions, and was awarded many outstanding recognitions. All my instructors said I performed too well to not compete, so when I struggled with a piece of music, they would simply find me a recording and I would learn it almost instantly. Playing by ear is great as a musician, but detrimental to academic musicianship, that is if you cannot read notes as well- which the case was for me.

When I turned 17, the audition dates for the scholarships were fast approaching, and in case you are unaware, part of the audition process is sight-reading. Determined to achieve my desire to become a professional violinist, I sought help from a private instructor, who after working with me for two weeks on the piece I had to prepare & perform at the auditions, gave me a recording of the piece. She told me that there was not enough time to get me where I needed to be, so I should just listen to the recording, learn the audition piece, and try my best during the sight-reading portion of the audition. She informed me that I played much too well to not audition. I remember my dismay at her response, a rerun of what I had heard a thousand times before which led me to where I was- too busy learning songs to compete to learn how to read music well. All I could envision in my mind was me standing in front of these seasoned college professors with a four-page music composition in front of me- and after a stellar performance of the required performance piece, floundering over the notes and shredding apart the musical phrasing of the piece I was attempting to read. Meanwhile in my mind, feeling frantic- wildly searching for some morsel of information to aid me in reading the music- and of course the looks of bewilderment on their faces. I canceled the auditions and rejected the scholarship offers.

  Shortly after that, I met a guy that introduced me to a band called "My Dying Bride" which was a black metal group (I had never heard that term before) that incorporated violin into their music. I was sold. That was that. The underground, non-mainstream bands were using violins? Count me in. For me personally, it was an opportunity to still pursue my passion, albeit on the opposite side of the spectrum, but performing nonetheless. From that point on I discovered all sorts of music and bands that were "underground" metal; as it turned out, there was an entire scene of people that were into this extreme music. Naturally, I was asked to join in a band by a bunch of guys that were in that scene. I accepted. My mom bought me a Fishman pickup to put on my bridge, a Boss octave pedal to change and distort my pitch, and I already had an amplifier since I had tried my hand at guitar around the age of 16 (an iridescent pink Yamaha). As it turned out, there were not very many bands that had a violinist so I was in high demand.